My Best Friend Gave Me the Evils
By EFT Master Tania A Prince
Children fall out all the time. They can have complex relations whereby one child finds themselves excluded from their friends periodically and yet the next moment they can be the best of mates. This type of relationship can have a dramatic impact on the excluded child. An impact that can last a lifetime if not dealt with effectively.
A recent case I worked with involved a child being at the receiving end of a friend giving her “the evils”, a look that obviously conveyed a very negative message. Simple things such as “giving the evils” can have an impact. If left untreated something as simple as this can become a trigger. The mind works via association, so people looking with a similar expression in the future of that child would be likely to trigger off the emotional state the child is currently feeling when exposed to this glare. In my experience many adults discomfort with situations such as public speaking or discomfort speaking with their boss can stem from origins such as this. Therefore it is important to deal with the trigger. The sooner the better as well because once the trigger is set for the child it can be reinforced by subsequent events leading to a bigger issue over time.
Knowing the Outcome of EFT
When you intend to do therapy on any issue it is good to have an objective in mind. The objective in this case being that the child could still give “the evils” however the child receiving it would not have the same negative association with it. This then empowers the child at the receiving end of the uncomfortable stare, freeing them from potential consequences in their future. This is the test that ultimately will confirm the result of the EFT therapy.
Understanding How “Giving the Evils” Operates
When a “friend” gives “the evils” it can trigger an uncomfortable response within the receiver of it. This response can result in triggering the fight, flight or freeze response as the mind/ body system of the child perceives itself to be under threat. Social exclusion is a threat! The result of this is that the child stops being in the moment and is no longer spontaneous. They go into their head thinking, analysing, they have emotions around this. The stare and these emotions become linked in their mind/ body system. The impact of something like this can affect children in different ways dependent on their pre – existing belief system. A child that has non supportive beliefs about themselves is likely to internalise this more than a child that has supportive confident beliefs.
For some children this may impact their schooling, self esteem and relationships. For example if this was to occur in the classroom it may result in a multitude of uncomfortable emotions surfacing in a child. These emotions would block the ability to absorb information, thus making it more difficult for the child to absorb what is being taught in the classroom. This can lead to beliefs such as, “I am not clever”. The reality is that the child’s last of ability to learn easily is not related to their intelligence levels, it is related to their emotional state whilst in the classroom.
Using EFT to With “Giving the Evils”
When a child starts performing badly in this type of situation many people try to talk the child out of it. They logically explain the situation. This seldom works. They might even feel frustrated at the child’s loss of performance. This merely exasperates the situation. This isn’t a logical problem. It cannot be solved by logic.
Resolving States By Reframing
The only way of dealing with it would be if you manage to reframe the situation. Reframing is where we are able to influence thoughts and thinking by using words. Reframes can create a deep change at the unconscious level, there is however an art and skill to successfully “landing” a reframe. Most attempts merely skim across the surface not creating the deep unconscious shift necessary to create the desired result, getting the child’s performance back on form, spontaneous. A child can logically know that their friend “giving them the evils” is probably just jealous, but the logical knowing does not impact the emotional trigger.
Elimination Method 1
Since the “giving the evils” stare is a trigger that is automatically activating a response within the child, you can choose to break the trigger/ response pathway. In this particular case I chose to do that.
“Evils” stare = uncomfortable response
“Evils” stare = fun/ laughter
So how do we do this?
Firstly we need to tune into the problem for the child. This is simple in this case, the words, “giving me the evils” do this. Since they are the words the child used, they connect directly to the child’s issue.
With EFT there is an art and skill to not forcing a perspective. We don’t have to try and make our clients think differently. Instead we can gently bring about a shift that works with the client.
Karate Chop Point: “Even though she was giving me the evils, I”m ok”
Karate Chop Point: “Even though she was giving me the evils, That is fine, I am ok”
Karate Chop Point: “Even though she was giving me the evils, I”m ok”
Top of the Head Point: “She was giving me the evils”
Eyebrow Point: “Yes, she was definitely giving me the evils”
Side of the Eye: “She was giving me the evil look”
Under the Eye: “It certainly looked evil”
Under the Nose: “She was giving me the evils”
Chin Point: “She was giving me that evil look”
Collarbone: “She was giving me the evils”
Under the Arm Point: “She was giving me the evils”
This round of EFT does not vary much from how the child described the problem. Quite often with EFT, less is more. So less words often can help the person remain tightly tuned into the problem. However what you can do is reframe not with words but with the tonality of your voice. During this round of EFT I went from seriously saying the words therefore connecting with the child and making sure we had rapport, connection. Then when rapport was firmly in place and I had acknowledged the child’s view point by seriously saying the words, I then started to really ramp it up and exaggerate how I said the words, all the time making sure the child was following with me as I did it. If you have good rapport this can be highly effective. I even mimicked the child giving her the evils and held a feeling of humour, fun inside of myself. By the end of the EFT tapping round she was in hysterics, laughing her head off, doing the “evils” OTT (over the top exaggerated stare herself and laughing). The child was doing her own version of “the evils”. When working with children it is best to make it fun (also best to make it fun with adults).
I tested the work that we had done by asking, “Now when you think of her giving you the evils, what happens?”
Eliminating Method 2
Use the stare and trace it back to previous times in the child’s life where she has had a stare like that. Find the early life memories connected to it. Tap them out. When you do tap out those memories ask the child, “what did it mean about younger the you, that he/ she stared at you like that?”
Typical answers might be,
“I did something wrong”
“I am not good enough”
These are beliefs. Beliefs can have a powerful influence on your life. When you unearth dis empowering beliefs such as these, tap them out. Tap out the memories that are the foundation for the current problem. Also if confusion is within the memories, tap it out.
Tania A Prince
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Tania is highly passionate about EFT. The most common terms used to describe Tania’s work is; “inspiring” and “humorous”. With over thirteen years of client contact, Tania is a highly experienced therapist. She works from two busy therapy practices within Cheshire in England, as well as working with clients throughout the UK and abroad via the phone. She has extensive experience of working on all types of issues including addictions, abuse and serious illnesses. She is a specialist in the treatment of confidence issues, shyness, and social phobias, fear of public speaking, blushing and panic attacks.